BIG NEWS.

So, where do I even begin?

This last year for me has been huge and God has done more in my life than I could have even hoped or dreamt for. A year ago, I had just come back from my orientation weekend for going to Cuba where I met my team for the very first time and learnt more about where I was going, and I was buzzing. I had no idea that a year later I would be leaving my chemistry degree behind and be preparing to return to Cuba as a missionary for 2 years, as of January 2014.

  I told you it was big.

After returning from Cuba last year, I knew that I had been called to serve God as a missionary in Central America. From before I even left, I knew I wouldn't be wanting to come home; every day I was in Cuba I counted the days I had left to cherish in this amazing country with these precious people. I was right, when it was time to go home I didn't want to leave; I had come to feel so at home and I wasn't ready to leave it all behind. I had discovered what I was meant to do, where my gifts were meant to be used; university wasn't even worth the comparison.

  Before I went back to university, my Mum and Step-Dad had one of their quarterly bible teaching days in our village community centre. Our former pastor was speaking about two of the tribes of Israel who decided they didn't want to live across the Jordan River in The Promised Land but instead settle in a place called Gilead because they thought the land was better for them. The story thus far is that the Israelites have just spent 40 years in the desert after being freed from slavery in Egypt, and are preparing to finally enter The Promised Land. Our pastor was saying that often as christians we decide what is best for us and how far we want to go, and by doing this we try to put limits on what God can do in our lives and where He can take us; we get so satisfied with where we are that we're not willing to move on, whether we've been told that the new is better or not. I don't know if he said anything specific that really hit me, but while he was speaking I felt God saying to me that I now knew that I had been called and it wasn't my decision when that calling took effect, and I wasn't to finish my time at university. I immediately spoke to my Mum about it but, as all mothers I'm sure would, she told me not to be silly and that it was probably just nerves about going into 2nd year and moving into a flat. This seemed very plausible and so I tried to put it to the back of my mind and not think about it anymore.

  When I did get back to uni, something didn't seem to fit anymore. I had less work to do than I had in first year, but for some reason (but one I probably knew deep down) I just couldn't focus. I got everything done but I was never happy with it. The leaving uni issue was still at the back of my mind and I couldn't help but think of it from time to time, but really, what was the probability of God really asking me to do that? Nobody leaves uni to pursue missionary work, and if they did they would either look foolish or lazy and just looking for an excuse. I didn't want to appear either of those things.

  In November, I was down south (dear Englanders, this is what we Scots call anything south of The Border) for a debrief weekend with Latin Link- the organisation I had gone to Cuba with. It was a bittersweet weekend in some ways; it was lovely to remember and laugh about our time spent in Cuba but unfortunately only half of the Cublahs (nickname for our team) were able to make it. All weekend there were different talks on various things, naturally including ones on further mission work and investigating a calling to mission work. I decided I needed to take some time out to pray- I couldn't ignore these feelings any longer. After I finished praying, I felt the Lord tell me to read my devotion for that day:

"After Sanctification, it is difficult to state what your purpose in life is, because God has moved you into His purpose through the Holy Spirit. He is using you now for His purposes throughout the world as He used His son for the purpose of our salvation. If you seek great things for yourself, thinking "God has called me for this and for that," you barricade God from using you. As long as you maintain your own personal interests and ambitions, you cannot be completely aligned or identified with God's interests. This can only be accomplished by giving up all of your personal plans once and for all, and by allowing God to take you directly into His purpose for the world. Your understanding of your ways must also be surrendered, because they are now the ways of the Lord.

  I must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to God, not me. God is using me from His great personal perspective, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him. I should never say, "Lord, this causes me such heartache." To talk that way makes me a stumbling block. When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else he chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil, and if I wallow in it I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. Doing this creates for me my own cozy "world within the world," and God will not be allowed to move me from it because of my fear of being "frost-bitten." "

-November 10, My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers

I still wasn't certain if that was in context of leaving university but I knew I needed to start listening. I felt God say to me very clearly that I wasn't to seek the counsel of men or their advice, but I was to ask for prayer instead as I sought His will. I did this by firstly emailing my pastor at and then also emailing my grandparents who are missionaries in Thailand. My Grandpa got back to me and spoke to me about how God called him to be a missionary when he was 19 also, but he was in the army at the time and so it was right that he finish serving there first. This was in line with the thoughts of all my family members who knew at this time, and it felt like I was battling against them to make them believe I really felt God was saying this to me and it wasn't just some phase I was going through of wanting to leave university.
  Over the next month or so I tried not to think too much about it as I went through my semester 1 exams, as I'm pretty sure Christmas exams drive many people to consider leaving university under normal circumstances. However, I couldn't help but continue examining the situation and trying to discern whether the things that were happening were God continuing to speak to me or whether it was my overactive imagination trying to provide its own confirmation. By the time it came to the end of exams and eventually New Year, I decided that there had been too many small "coincidences" and times I'd felt God speaking to me for me to not come to the conclusion that He was asking me to leave university. 
  I told this to my Mum but she told me that she wasn't going to be on board with it until God had given me solid confirmation from the Bible. I wasn't too impressed with this firstly because I'd never asked for nor received this type of confirmation before and secondly, because by this point I was so concerned about doing what God wanted me to do I didn't trust myself to discern whether it was Him speaking to me or just my mind making things up. However, later that week I felt the Lord say to me that if I asked Him for confirmation from the Bible then He would give it to me. And so I prayed and told my Heavenly Father that I wanted to do what He wanted me to do, whatever that was, and asked Him to give me clear confirmation from His Word and that I would be in no doubt as to whether it was from Him or not.
  The next morning (it was a Sunday) we had a guest speaker at our church and I felt very clearly that God was going to speak to me. The message that morning was on Hebrews 11:8-18. 

"By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going." Hebrews 11:8 

I knew in the moment I opened up my bible and saw that verse that it was the confirmation I had asked for the night before. However, just to be absolutely certain, I asked the Lord that Mum would recognise that too without me having to say anything to her. And she did. It also turned out that when Mum and Don had been out at a fellowship evening the night before they had shared something of my situation and they too had prayed that God would give me clear confirmation!
  That was when I officially made the decision that I wouldn't be returning to university after the Summer. Although I guessed my leaving would probably be to make way for something to do with my calling to be a missionary, at the time I had no idea what God had planned for me instead of continuing my degree. 
  Over the couple of months following, God continued leading and guiding me in gradual steps until I realised that what He had planned for me was what I hadn't realised I'd wanted all along: to return to Cuba on an individual placement with Latin Link.

2 years ago, I had just left school and was planning on obtaining an MChem from Edinburgh University and christian mission wasn't even close to being on my mind. Now I am leaving my former ambitions behind me and pursuing the dreams I didn't even realise that I had. Although there are sacrifices involved with working as a missionary overseas, they are nothing in comparison to the joy that is mine through doing what I know God has called me to and the blessing I have known and will know as a result of putting faith in the Faithful God. 

"Jesus said, "Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life..." Mark 10:29-30

When we surrender everything we have to Jesus, He can and will do amazing things with what we give Him. It's never easy but it is always worth it. God knows our hearts way better than we do, and He loves us more than we will ever be able to understand, comprehend or appreciate- He is always worthy of everything we have to give to Him and He is able to do waaaay more with it than we can! Surrendering to God is like making an investment where we get infinitely more back from it than we put in. I could never have imagined where God would take me, but when I look back at my life I can see that He has been preparing me for it all this time. I want to leave you with this scripture which I have really come to understand and know in my heart through all of this.

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith- that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 3:7-11

Nothing is of greater worth than knowing Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Saviour, and there is nothing more rewarding than putting your faith in Him and giving Him all you have to give. Put everything in His hands and watch the blessings flow.

My Fathers

In the UK, this Sunday the 16th of June is Father's Day. All over the country people will be worrying about what presents to buy, whether to go for a funny or emotional card and other Father's Day related concerns.

Those of you who read my blog as my friends will know my story, but there will be those of you out there who don't. It's not the first time I've taken this holiday as an opportunity to share my story, but I rejoice that everytime I share it the truth in it is no less valid.

I was born the second child in what was to be a family of four children, and grew up in a loving and God-centered environment. If you were able to watch my childhood, you may say that my parents were strict and perhaps over-protective- I probably thought it at the time as well- but looking back I can see that my parents gave me the best gift they possibly could have: they brought me up to know God and His love for me, and to love Him in return. Although I officially "prayed the prayer" when I was five years old, I really feel that God was all over my life from the very beginning- there has been no point in my life where I have known what it is to live without God's presence in my life. From a young age I had a very intimate relationship with God and trusted Him in everything; I was in no way a perfect child, but God gave me the gift of a hunger for His word and a thirst for His truth.

  Not only did I have a close relationship with my Heavenly Father, but I had one with my Earthly Dad, too. I was a real Daddy's girl, and there was nothing I cherished more than a good snuggle in the protective arms of my Dad. I know that a lot of girls will be able to testify to the fact that there are few things more truly comforting than a man, whether a father figure or boyfriend/husband, holding you and knowing that the care they have for you is real and that they will look after and protect you. One of the memories of my Dad that sticks out the most for me is a Sunday afternoon when I was 8 or 9. By this point, my parents were actually separated and we spent every second weekend at my grandparent's house around the corner where my Dad was living, and so on this weekend it was my Dad who took us to church. On this particular Sunday, I began feeling ill during church and so afterwards my Dad arranged for my silblings to be taken to my Mum's parents for lunch as usual while he took me home and looked after me. We got home, and I spent the afternoon wrapped up in a woolen blanket on the couch cuddling my Daddy as we watched the original Parent Trap movie. I felt loved and cared for, and being in a family of four kids, it was really special to spend this time just the two of us.
  At around 11 o'clock on Wednesday the 8th of October 2003, I was playing my flute in front of an audience for the first time. Little did I know that at the same time, my Dad had been taken home and was now worshipping at the feet of our Lord and Saviour in Glory. For a lot of 10 year olds, that day could have been described as the worst day of their lives; the most traumatic experience they could have gone through. But amidst the grief and the shock surrounding me at that time, the strongest thing that I felt was not loss, nor anger or confusion over why this had happened, why now, why my Dad. Instead it was a supreme peace, not generated from lack of chaos or from positive circumstances but from the knowledge that my Heavenly Father, Creator God, the King of the Heavens, was still in control. He loved me, He knew me better than anyone ever could, and He was going to take care of me and my family.

Isaiah 41:10

And He absolutely has. I don't want you to think that it has been easy and I'm just some crazy person who obviously has no emotion; I'm not. Over the last 9 and a half years there have been tears and there has been heartache, times where I would do anything just to spend a little more time with my Dad, to know that he loves me and is proud of me. But more than all of that, my God has been faithful! He has shown me that He is worth every ounce of my trust and that He will never ever fail me.
  Some people assume that faith is blind, built on nothing and merited by nothing. When I look at my life, my faith is able to grow because I can see the trail of evidence for God's faithfulness (never mind His existance!) all throughout my life! Though the death of my Dad will never, and should never, be thought of as a positive thing, God has used it and continues to use it as a source of blessing in my life and I know, even though one could be forgiven for thinking at the time that God must have lost control for my Dad to have died or He couldn't have loved me enough, that my God is so much BIGGER than all of these things! He can take the horrible, broken things of this life and turn them into something beautiful that is used for His glory! Just look at me: I am a broken and sinful person and, if left to my own strength and decisions, would make a terrible mess, but through God I can live in a way that is beautiful and honours Him. I still make mistakes, but my life is so much better when I surrender to God and admit that I can't do it on my own, believing and leaning on the promises that He makes to me in His Word.
  Although the loss of my Dad has left a part of me broken and weak, my God has not failed to care and cherish me in a way that only He is capable of doing. God doesn't let things happen in our lives to just expect us to live like everyone else. God knows the areas in which I need special care, and by His love and grace He fulfills me.

There may be some of you reading this who won't be celebrating your dad this Sunday, for whatever reason. Maybe you will be, but deep down you sense that there is something missing, there may be a need in your life you feel your father should but doesn't fulfil. Maybe your relationship with your dad is broken. I know the pain that the non-existance of a father or father figure can cause and the way that it can shape you as a person, and I often wonder where I would be if it were not for the grace of my Heavenly Father. I present my life before you today as evidence that there is a Father who never fails, whose love transcends all things and whose grace, power and strength are sufficient for you. All you need do is come to Him, brokenness, heartache and emotional baggage included. He can take it all. That's what God did when Jesus died on that cross! He took your sin, your pain, your weakness, your failures, everything that would ever hold you back from knowing Him and He nailed it to a cross. Jesus took all of that for you. He's just waiting for you to accept it.